Let's talk about postpartum depression.
On average about 15% of women will suffer from PPD that rounds out to approximately 950,00 women a year.
NINE HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSAND!
And to top that off that is only the reported cases, so that number doesn't include the women that never spoke up about their troubles.
Today I'm going to speak up about mine.
When I had my son I was fortunate enough to be one of those people that felt the overwhelming love right away when I met him and I had a relatively easy recovery. We had a wonderful breastfeeding relationship from the start and my husband was supportive through it all.
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, my son was only 8 months old.
I had an easy pregnancy but I had a hard time coping with the guilt I felt of taking the short time of being an only child from my son, the heart wrenching guilt of not feeling excited about another baby. We hadn't planned on having children so close in age and I was scared and sad for my boy to be a big brother so soon when he was still so little himself.
As my pregnancy progressed I felt more excited however still guilty.
And now that she's here we are so glad to have her and feel so lucky that she chose us to be her family, and watching my son be a sweet and gentle big brother is an incredible thing but I still have this guilt. But now my guilt is because I feel like an inadequate mother. How can I love these two babies the way they deserve when they each need something at the same time? How can I give them everything they need when I only have two arms and when a majority of the time I feel so anxious I can't leave the house? These are things people don't talk about, they ask constantly "you must be so excited!?" And "are you ready?" But they aren't prepared for the truth. The truth is hard to admit, so we always answer with what we think we should say about feeling excited and ready.
Everyday I work on leaving the house a little longer or going a little bit further because I refuse to be crippled by my anxiety as I once was.
I've been there, done that. Years of my life taken from me by debilataing anxiety.
It sucks, it hurts but I won't let it hurt my babies. I won't let my anxiety keep them from the sunshine and fresh air. I won't let my fear keep my pantry empty, (but I will use Walmart free grocery pickup because c'mon grocery shopping alone is shitty and doing it with two babies is damn near impossible)
I will speak up about PPD and anxiety.
I will not be alone in this fight. We will talk about this and overcome.
Today I write about this because I took my son to the park.
Only 4 miles from our home and it was excruciating. Packing the diaper bag and the water bottles and the shoes and the change of clothes and the blankets and unloading the stroller that weighs 100lbs, strapping in a toddler that hates to be strapped in and a newborn who hates the wrap (what kind of baby hates koala care???)
I never thought that in a park surrounded by women and children, I would feel so isolated and alone.
I couldn't reach out to these women, and none of them reached out to me even though we were all there doing the same thing. I felt inferior because of how hard it was for me to get out of the house. I felt awkward and out of place. I felt so incredibly alone. Alone in the park, alone in my struggles and alone in my life.
All of us with our children and green Starbucks cups. (Which ironically enough are about bringing people together) and I couldn't just say hello and chat. I couldn't bring myself to look up from my feet to make eye contact. There was no small talk about the wonderful change in weather or how old our kids were.
They were all in groups, each had at least one person they were talking with, but not me.
The only interaction I had was with a woman apologizing for her daughter taking Silas' cup. The rest of the time I was silent. Drinking my PSL and stuck in my own head thinking I wasn't supposed
to be there.
I cried on my way home, unsure of how to tell my husband how I felt, unsure if I should call my midwife to make an appointment for my PPD before my 6-8 week check up or just wait it out, feeling so unsure of myself and my ability to be the mother my children need me to be.
This experience has pushed me to open up about how I feel, about how hard it has been for me to transition from one baby to two and how grateful I am for the wonderful friends I've made since moving to TN (Michele and Candice I'm looking at you ladies)
Through all of this I have a support system. Even though I haven't expressed to them the way I feel, just simply being a friend has been the biggest help and I will be forever thankful for that.
In conclusion I want to say that I love my babies, I am establishing what I believe will be a long and wonderful nursing relationship with my daughter, I love seeing my son love on his sister and my husband step into an even bigger dad roll. I feel so many overwhelming emotions from day to day and even the good ones can take a toll. It's exhausting to love so hard sometimes.
From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed my world revolves around 3 other people's needs before my own. Being a mom is hard work and working through anxiety is hard and it's even harder to do both simultaneously.
So today I reach out to you, if you're struggling and need a friend I will be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent in if you ever find you need me.
The phrase "it takes a village" has come to be truer than I've ever known before.
I will be your village, if you'll be mine.
You.are.not.alone.
I.am.not.alone.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Monday, May 18, 2015
This is how I had a baby
I walked out of my last doctor appointment thinking that I was going to be pregnant forever
One centimeter dilated and 50% effaced with a cervix that was considered not favorable for induction.
Pretty sweet right?
That was the morning of Monday May 4th.
They had me on the books to be induced the following week on Monday the 11th.
Needless to say I was feeling anxious, impatient and a little disappointed.
I was ready to meet my son.
The following day my mom and my sister set out on their journey to TN to stay with me and to be with me for the delivery and help me around the house when I get home from the hospital.
A 13 hour drive later, I'd say its approximately 3 in the morning on May 6th when they finally arrive.
My husband and I greet them, get them settled in and head back to bed.
Little did my sleepy, massively-pregnant self know that not but four hours later I was well on my way to giving birth.
I woke up, feeling crampy and I wasn't sure what I was feeling. My husband, my mom and my sister were all still sleeping so I continued with my morning routine as per usual. I made my tea and walked my dogs, brushed my teeth and noticed slowly but surely these cramps were getting stronger and more regular.
I decided to wake up James and let him know how I was feeling and I think he was in disbelief, he was sleepy and cute and wasn't sure if what I was telling him was real.
As we walked back into the living room, I passed my stirring mother and said "I think I might have my baby today"
her first reaction was to say "Are you lying"
I laughed into my mug of tea and told her it was real.
By the time 10 am rolled around I was ready to go to the hospital and have them check me out.
We packed up the car and set out on our way.
I was only 3 cm dilated and they sent me home.
I had a plan. I wanted a natural birth. I wanted as little interference as possible. I had been researching birthing positions and natural pain relief techniques for months so going home was okay with me.
By the time we got home my contractions were a hell of a lot stronger than when we left the hospital.
I bounced on my birthing ball and rocked my pelvis through each contraction until it got to the point that it hurt too bad to stand.
I drew a bath and I sat in the water for nearly two hours contracting and chanting my mantra (This is good, this is what your body is supposed to do) .
I was alone in the bath, by request. But my very sweet Hub came to check on me periodically.
When I got out of the bath, I was bleeding. Lots and lots of that lovely bloody show.
My husband helped me get dressed because putting pants on in-between contractions was nearly impossible and we set back to the hospital.
We got back to the hospital and I couldn't walk or talk through my contractions anymore. This pain was something I had never experienced. My breathing techniques and my mantra had gotten me all the way up to 7 cm!
I was officially checked in.
They were moving me from triage to a private room and I could barely manage to get a full sentence out.
I said one thing I know now to be untrue. "I never want to do this again"
The whole experience of giving birth is something I will never forget, including the pain.
Everyone told me, once you hold your baby you'll forget all about the pain.
Not true.
But what is true is that it is so worth it, after 11 hours and 45 minutes of labor I got a beautiful, healthy baby boy that I love more and more with each passing day.
I begged for an epidural, and getting it was so hard to do!
They needed me to sit still through my contractions and in order to keep my body from contorting all over the place I squeezed the shit out of my RN.
Her name was Erin and she was a saint.
Once the epidural kicked in, I was a much more pleasant person.
I couldn't feel anything below the bellybutton.
I remember my anesthesiologist telling me she may not be able to make the pain go away completely but she could make it manageable and she did just that.
She took it all away.
I didn't feel my legs for the next 6 hours.
My husband was so incredibly supportive throughout this whole process.
He held my hand through the pain
and supported me when I changed my mind about medication.
After about two and half hours of epidural in my system they told me I was a full 10cm but they wanted to wait for baby to get lower before I could push.
So we waited another half hour, then it was madness.
My room went from quiet and empty to full of people in just minutes.
My doctor, her student, my RN, my husband, my mother, my sister, my baby nurse and then the baby nurse from the next shift because he was born 15 minutes before they switched shifts.
The hub and Erin held my legs up for me because I couldn't feel them and they coached me through pushing with each contraction.
After only 25 minutes of pushing, my son was born.
I wasn't the first one to hold him, there was meconium in my amniotic fluid so they had to take him away before I got him.
My husband was first after the baby nurse was finished making sure he didnt swallow or breath in too much ick.
The nurse asked if he wanted to do skin to skin and he said sure
and he though he was joking when she told him to take his shirt off.
Ha
he wasn't ready for that.
He thought I was gonna be the one to do that.
I didn't pay much attention to time because I was crying a lot.
But I didn't get to hold my baby until at least 20 minutes after he was born.
My heart was broken for those 20 minutes, they were stitching me up and I couldn't see my son and I just want to hold him.
I had spent the last 9 months literally attached to him then suddenly we were completely separated.
When I finally got to hold him, I cried even harder. I couldn't believe my eyes, this perfect little boy in my arms was my son and I was his mom and I made him.
It was euphoric. I have never felt so many emotions at one time, it was incredible.
One centimeter dilated and 50% effaced with a cervix that was considered not favorable for induction.
Pretty sweet right?
That was the morning of Monday May 4th.
They had me on the books to be induced the following week on Monday the 11th.
Needless to say I was feeling anxious, impatient and a little disappointed.
I was ready to meet my son.
The following day my mom and my sister set out on their journey to TN to stay with me and to be with me for the delivery and help me around the house when I get home from the hospital.
A 13 hour drive later, I'd say its approximately 3 in the morning on May 6th when they finally arrive.
My husband and I greet them, get them settled in and head back to bed.
Little did my sleepy, massively-pregnant self know that not but four hours later I was well on my way to giving birth.
I woke up, feeling crampy and I wasn't sure what I was feeling. My husband, my mom and my sister were all still sleeping so I continued with my morning routine as per usual. I made my tea and walked my dogs, brushed my teeth and noticed slowly but surely these cramps were getting stronger and more regular.
I decided to wake up James and let him know how I was feeling and I think he was in disbelief, he was sleepy and cute and wasn't sure if what I was telling him was real.
As we walked back into the living room, I passed my stirring mother and said "I think I might have my baby today"
her first reaction was to say "Are you lying"
I laughed into my mug of tea and told her it was real.
By the time 10 am rolled around I was ready to go to the hospital and have them check me out.
We packed up the car and set out on our way.
I was only 3 cm dilated and they sent me home.
I had a plan. I wanted a natural birth. I wanted as little interference as possible. I had been researching birthing positions and natural pain relief techniques for months so going home was okay with me.
By the time we got home my contractions were a hell of a lot stronger than when we left the hospital.
I bounced on my birthing ball and rocked my pelvis through each contraction until it got to the point that it hurt too bad to stand.
I drew a bath and I sat in the water for nearly two hours contracting and chanting my mantra (This is good, this is what your body is supposed to do) .
I was alone in the bath, by request. But my very sweet Hub came to check on me periodically.
When I got out of the bath, I was bleeding. Lots and lots of that lovely bloody show.
My husband helped me get dressed because putting pants on in-between contractions was nearly impossible and we set back to the hospital.
We got back to the hospital and I couldn't walk or talk through my contractions anymore. This pain was something I had never experienced. My breathing techniques and my mantra had gotten me all the way up to 7 cm!
I was officially checked in.
They were moving me from triage to a private room and I could barely manage to get a full sentence out.
I said one thing I know now to be untrue. "I never want to do this again"
The whole experience of giving birth is something I will never forget, including the pain.
Everyone told me, once you hold your baby you'll forget all about the pain.
Not true.
But what is true is that it is so worth it, after 11 hours and 45 minutes of labor I got a beautiful, healthy baby boy that I love more and more with each passing day.
I begged for an epidural, and getting it was so hard to do!
They needed me to sit still through my contractions and in order to keep my body from contorting all over the place I squeezed the shit out of my RN.
Her name was Erin and she was a saint.
Once the epidural kicked in, I was a much more pleasant person.
I couldn't feel anything below the bellybutton.
I remember my anesthesiologist telling me she may not be able to make the pain go away completely but she could make it manageable and she did just that.
She took it all away.
I didn't feel my legs for the next 6 hours.
My husband was so incredibly supportive throughout this whole process.
He held my hand through the pain
and supported me when I changed my mind about medication.
After about two and half hours of epidural in my system they told me I was a full 10cm but they wanted to wait for baby to get lower before I could push.
So we waited another half hour, then it was madness.
My room went from quiet and empty to full of people in just minutes.
My doctor, her student, my RN, my husband, my mother, my sister, my baby nurse and then the baby nurse from the next shift because he was born 15 minutes before they switched shifts.
The hub and Erin held my legs up for me because I couldn't feel them and they coached me through pushing with each contraction.
After only 25 minutes of pushing, my son was born.
I wasn't the first one to hold him, there was meconium in my amniotic fluid so they had to take him away before I got him.
My husband was first after the baby nurse was finished making sure he didnt swallow or breath in too much ick.
The nurse asked if he wanted to do skin to skin and he said sure
and he though he was joking when she told him to take his shirt off.
Ha
he wasn't ready for that.
He thought I was gonna be the one to do that.
I didn't pay much attention to time because I was crying a lot.
But I didn't get to hold my baby until at least 20 minutes after he was born.
My heart was broken for those 20 minutes, they were stitching me up and I couldn't see my son and I just want to hold him.
I had spent the last 9 months literally attached to him then suddenly we were completely separated.
When I finally got to hold him, I cried even harder. I couldn't believe my eyes, this perfect little boy in my arms was my son and I was his mom and I made him.
It was euphoric. I have never felt so many emotions at one time, it was incredible.
9 lbs 8 oz
21.75 in
6:45 pm
May 6 2015
Silas James
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